Permissions
“It’s easy to feel trapped between guilt and shame when your limits are defined by comparison.
Determine your worth through your own validation, and confidence becomes unbound.”
What do you love to do? What do you want to do? And the bigger question that hangs over those questions, draped like a weighted sandbag of shame, is: why aren’t you doing it?
Did you hear your tone of regret and bitterness when you asked that last one? It kicks in by default.
The challenge in answering that question is actually in 2 parts: on the one hand you’ve got the wave of guilt that comes with all the reasons you don’t do more of what you love: lack of money, time, capacity, status, fear, resources, insurance, what the neighbours will think. The list is endless and gets blurted out every time your purpose and life direction are questionned, like an old shopping list you’re used to reciting every Thursday.
Then that’s reinforced when you do in fact try to step more into your purpose and desire by the opposing shame of “Who do you think you are, doing that?!”, before you’ve even given it a shot.
“So on the one hand you’re guilting yourself for all the reasons you’re not doing what you want and love to do, and in the next breath you’re shaming yourself for even wanting to do it, or trying to and failing when you discover you don’t in fact have the moxie to follow through.”
This is a classic dance that most of us participate in on a daily basis without realising. It can be witnessed in the tiniest of default behaviours and language that we are either unaware of, or have comfortably slotted into a narrative of being the “right” or “good” thing to do. Or worse: we’ve associated a narrative of value and purpose to not doing what we really want to do: Because someone else can be doing it better. Because I already have so many blessings in my life, I shouldn’t want for more. Because I should spend that time doing that other thing first. Because I’m not experienced enough. Because I’m too old for that now. Because I’m not the right kind of person to do that.
This underhand language and behaviour is silently reinforced when we take the smaller portion from a shared plate even though everyone else has already had double; and when we opt out of opportunities, citing excuses that make it easier to remain in denial about the absence of said opportunities; and when we applaud ourselves for being kind, generous, resilient or tolerant at times that weren’t really necessary, and definitely were not valued by the beneficiaries when we bent over backwards to show excessive care.
There are behaviours that we display to the outside world about what permission we need to allow ourselves to enjoy life. These behaviours in turn receive a response that confirms to us internally, where exactly our limits lie.
“Whether we genuinely needed permission or not, by asking for it we’re projecting principles about the assurance we need, our degree of self-trust, and our sense of accountability.”
We’re letting the world know that we are a permission seeker, whether out of respect, obeisance, submission, fear – we are available for the world to keep us in the place it wants us to stay.
In turn, we’ve handed over our power, the authority is now theirs, and our decisions and actions are now in their control. There are many arenas in which this serves an essential purpose at times that seeking permission is the more productive route: legal matters, medical expertise, courtship, securing employment, physical interaction, etc. But there are also many circumstances that don’t require it, can’t serve us, and create a sense of limits when really what we needed was to ask ourselves and answer from the core of our beliefs and values. Where we cut ourselves short is when we ask for external permission that can only be granted from ourselves; when we need rest, when we need alone time, when we want to indulge in self-care, when we choose foods that we like, when we want to step up, when we need to step back, when we want more, when we need to say no.
The Alternative
What we could be seeking instead at those times is advice (to add to our own knowledge), guidance (to help steer us once we have decided on a direction), a second opinion (to our trusted first opinion), an opening of the topic for debate (but not an invitation for others to make decisions for us), or simply a request for other people's perspectives (to add to our own). These options reinforce our self- trust, rather than override them.
But people don’t like it when you don’t ask for permission first, when they’re used to you doing so, even if you’re the only one that can grant it to yourself. Because if you question an established permission system, you’re basically en route to breaking free of the limit altogether. And people don’t like that because if you are limitless, then surely you’re taking up more of someone else’s deserved space? And you’re less available for those that need you to suffer for them. Apparently. So they convince you that there’s no opt out when it comes to permission. If you don’t have it, or don’t get it from the “right” authorities, then you can’t proceed to pleasure and purpose. Apparently.
“The opposing reasons as to why you don’t do more of what you love – the “I’m not enough” swiftly followed by the “I couldn’t possibly” - is the classic dance of submission and denial that plays out between guilt and shame”
You’ll also hear Guilt and Shame’s supportive allies in the audience cheering them on as they pirouette and embrace – namely Regret, Doubt, Imposter Syndrome, and everyone’s popular friend: Fear.
Because on the one hand guilt lets you know when you have done something bad; guilt focusses your judgement on your behaviour, your doing. Whereas shame focusses your judgement on whether you yourself are bad, your being. And somewhere between doing bad, and being bad, sprinkled with 16th century guilt that is still entrenched in our systems, your desire and purpose gets left on the sidelines, holding back a whimper for fear of seeming ungrateful for the blessings you already received.
This validation procedure is effective because it’s a seemingly stable security system. Guilt and shame keep you in your place, therefore keep others in their place, and therefore the cogs of society can keep going around so that you can remain grateful for your blessings, and can be allowed to cross the road when the green man gives you permission. It’s a safe reminder of why you shouldn’t desire or need anything more. No matter what you do or don’t have, your security system is predicated on you staying in your place. Because if we all wanted more, there would be disarray. Chaos. Riots even. And a severe lack of resources. Apparently.
Sadly however, this entire validation system when extended beyond our safety and the rules of law, is about as real and secure as the principles of the stock exchange, or the idea that man owns land, or that orange juice is a health drink as opposed to a carton of liquid sugar lacking in fibrous content.
I say “sadly” because it’s deeply flawed from the outset, and yet we all trust in it. It’s our adherence that makes it so sad. The concept of needing permission to trust yourself when it comes to your needs, your desires and preferences, your body, is actually built on foundations of farce and instability. Being bad, doing bad, right and wrong, acceptance, authority... ethics and morals sure do keep us all in place nicely, and with a bow of security neatly wrapped around us. The system makes it so that we can walk the streets in relative emotional safety, as long as we’re not too loud with our opinions and preferences; permissions are a ripple effect of law and civility. They make it so that we can wake each morning and do what needs to be done, so that it gets done.
The challenge comes when we no longer question whether there’s any purpose to the doing, or that we might be miserable doing it. It gets done. That’s why people believe it works. That’s why it’s reinforced. It’s like the outdated education system of rote learning – it works to a certain degree, for some ages, for some topics, as long as no-one challenges the fact that it doesn’t work for many others, in many arenas. That’s why we adhere. That’s how it was established in the first place. And the entire concept of needing permission to desire more, to have individual purpose, just because you want it, stops that system from working. Apparently.
Warning signs
The system is constantly warning us of how our sense of safety requires us to always ask for permission, and if we don’t get it, to not proceed. And the kill switch to permission, in case that doesn’t keep you in place, is comparison. Your comparison to others who are great, is a strong reminder that you are not. Because they were special, unique, had the right parents, invested at the right time, were born lucky, etc. Your comparison to others who are unfulfilled however, is a reminder of why humility is good. Because you should be grateful that you are not that unfulfilled. So between the narrow walls of permission and comparison, you’re comfortably in place. As long as you don’t pivot, or expect more. There’s no room for that.
In the 16th century when God owned your mind and the monarchy liked that you couldn’t easily translate the bible from Latin, permissions made sense. Soil got turned, bread was baked, and the sun still came up the next day. Things got done. Everyone knew their place. The problem now is that we, as individuals, aren’t asking permission to greedily take over the world, or defy God, we just want 5 minutes on a Sunday to turn our phone off and not feel judged by those closest to us.
“We have convinced ourselves that we need permission to take a break when our body hurts, to have alone-time when our brain is on overload, to opt out of alcohol at social gatherings. To even have pleasure, we check permissions first. Because Heaven forbid we enjoy our limited time on Earth!”
The truth about how to obtain permission for what you want is really basic, and so much so that this can’t possibly be the truth. Apparently. Because when we seek permission for our desires and purpose, we are constantly reminded that there must be a struggle first, there must be suffering before achievement, and someone else has to authorise it, and they’ll only do that if everyone else is catered for, before you. But the truth is that permission is simply not needed at all when it comes to your pleasure and purpose. Because permission lies in the hands of an authority that doesn’t own your joy or integrity. Because in your world of pleasure and purpose – there is only one master of that, and it’s you. There can only be one judge for your moral compass, and it’s you. And only one voice can be heard in your emotional boundaries: yours.
You don’t need permission for your pleasure and purpose. You need trust. Trust that you will make choices that prioritise yourself first, and still consider others second – including your children, your parents, your God, your followers. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Self-trust allows for adaptability, and an acceptance that may or may not lead to what you want. Self-trust allows your presence when stepping up to be equal to your humility when you graciously fall down.
“Freely living in integrity and joy – delirious whirling dervish kind of joy – doesn’t lead to selfishness, destruction or immorality. Those things exist in their own microcosm. If that is within you, you don’t act irresponsibly just because you act without permission. One has very little to do with the other.”
People act irresponsibly because they choose to. Whether influenced, or misguided, or manipulated into doing so, they still choose. The same applies to behaving respectfully. You choose to do that. Someone could give you permission for all your wildest dreams to be delivered immediately. You still have to choose to receive the fruits of that, and you have to choose to own the pleasure of receiving it, guilt- and shame-free.
Could you do it right now? Of course not. Because we’re conditioned to ask permission and to ask what our network or community needs first, and what they will accept us having for ourselves, and then we have to proceed to prove that everyone else is catered for, before we take our second portion.
That’s why we look to the plate and ask “does anyone want this last bit?”. Do we want to know that anyone wants the last bit? Of course not. We don’t even want to know if we can have the last bit. What we really want, more than the last bit, is for the host and those at the table to give us permission to have the last bit. Are we then free of guilt because we asked first before taking? Of course not. We then go home thinking how selfish and ungrateful we must have seemed for just wanting the last bit. Didn’t we have enough already? Wasn’t the host sufficient in their provisions? Can’t you control your desire for more?
I hope not. Because when joy runs free through liberal fields of guiltless purpose – that’s when we have abundant love for others; that’s when we refuel sufficiently to support those who need us; that’s when we do the “right” thing by us, and live in integrity and can truly contribute to our community; that’s when we see others in their true light, for everything good that they can be, rather than the darkness of what they haven’t yet managed to be; that’s when we take barriers down and shake hands with those we called enemies, when all along they were just neighbours with a different perspective; that’s when we take those 5 minutes on the Sunday to exhale a little deeper and are instantly reminded that what we want most in our alone time, is connection.
“If we don’t get what we naturally need fulfilled - connection, pleasure, purpose - all we end up with is the bitterness of having permission denied, and the envy of those who have more.”
And then we resent the authority that didn’t grant it. And then, even worse, we resent ourselves for living within a system of permissions that – deep down we know - doesn’t actually exist within our realm of limits. If you restrict calories, your body starts to hoard fat. If you tell me not to press the big red button, I’m going to press it even though I didn’t want to before. When you tell a child they can’t, they go ahead and do. But when you tell an adult they can’t, a little bit of their spirit dies when they adhere, because they trusted themselves to be worthy enough to ask, and that’s a sign that there is self-trust there, under the surface, waiting to be practiced.
Your capacity for your pleasure and purpose can only be determined by you, not someone who grants you permission. Your capacity for joy and integrity will direct you to make choices that fairly serve those within your family, your network, your community. Please don’t cross the road when the green man turns red. The red man won’t kill you, the driver that doesn’t respect the permission system will. But it’s not the permission system that can grant you your pleasure and purpose. Only you can do that.
So I’ll ask you again, and I’ll hope that this time you’ll ask the third question with a tone of nothing but self-love and trust: What do you love to do? What do you want to do?
And why aren’t you doing it?
Whatever the answer, it’s time to let your joy run free through liberal fields of guiltless purpose.
Be kind to others. Go. Do.